The last 10 days....

Disclaimer: I'm not writing this as a ploy to get attention.  I'm writing this more for me and it should hopefully make sense at the bottom of the post (I won't be offended if you just skip the entire post and read the third from the last paragraph).

10 days ago, May 1, was the start of what would soon be a very, very long stretch of road in my life.  I got pulled into my team manager's office where he proceeded to almost attack me for not working enough and being further along on some key projects than I was.  I was shocked.  I had actually woke up that morning feeling pretty good about where I was at in my office and how much I had been able to accomplish.  Apparently I was the only one who thought so.  I was so caught off guard and felt so attacked that I literally almost walked out of the office that day never to return.  I didn't and that evening, on my way out, I ended up having a nice conversation with the owner of the company where he shared a couple of parables that really hit home.  They may get shared later but suffice it say that I appreciated what he had to say and it helped my opinion of the company some.  I'm still working there. ;)

Saturday, May 2, I had to work at my other job.  I had been texting with my sister up in Washington some when all of the sudden she sends me a text that just says "I got into an accident".  I, of course, immediately called her and spent the next couple of hours communicating between her and my other sisters and then catching up with her about what happened and making sure she was okay.  Being the only boy with my sisters I tend to feel somewhat responsible for their well-being.  Early that afternoon I found out that my closing associate called in sick leaving me to work a 12+ hour shift.  I had plans to go see a movie with some friends that I was really looking forward to but would now be missing it.  That day quickly turned into a long day.

Sunday, May 3, I had to work at my other job as it was "my turn" to work the Sunday and I didn't mind since I hadn't had to work one in a little while.  About 1:30 my sister who is just a year younger than I am, I'll call her M, called me and asked me to go immediately to her apartment to be with our youngest sister, A.  M didn't know all of the details but just that I really needed to be there now.  Upon arrival at the apartment I quickly learned that A and a friend were hanging out at M's apt where A had been staying.  Their friend had another friend over, who M & A met that night, who apparently drank a lot of alcohol and possibly had done some drugs earlier and had, as a result of a few bad choices, died at their apartment.  Needless to say, my baby sister was a wreck.  She was so scared and so emotional and not that I could blame her.  Once again, I felt responsible for her and wanted to just take care of her.  I spent the next 2 1/2 hours helping her and my other sister work through things and talk to the officers and detectives and support their friend that was there as well.  It was a very hard thing for them but I was amazed at how much of a toll it took on me as well.  Once we were all able to leave the complex I had to go back to work and finish taking care of my department.  After work I had to go pick up A and their friend at another friend's house and take them back to the apartment where their cars were and so that A could shower and grab a few personal items that she would need for the night.  Again, the emotion and trauma of being back at the apartment where everything had taken place was a lot to handle for these girls and it was hard to not feel their pain.  Once I got home, I ended up spending most of the evening by myself.  I needed a break from reality and everything that existed in it so I came home, turned on a Hillary Weeks CD and laid in bed for a few hours until I could finally fall asleep.

Monday morning I woke up and had such an excitement in my mind over being able to attend the Matis fireside that night.  I went to work and learned early in the morning that my parents would be coming down that night to see my little sister and to spend some time with her.  I invited them to the fireside and they had hoped to make it but were unable to leave Idaho soon enough to make everything work.  It was different going to the fireside this month.  A lot of friends that have come to mean a lot to me weren't there and that was hard.  One good friend that I hadn't seen in quite a while was there and I was so glad to see him.  I didn't find the fireside itself to be anything extraordinarily great but rather the chance to be just me for a little while was very comforting.  After the fireside I went to my oldest sister's house where my parents were and hung out with them for a little while which was nice.  We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other's company for a bit until they needed to get back on the road to head home.  When they left, I headed over the Matis' to hopefully visit with this friend I hadn't seen in quite a while but alas, I was to late.  I ended up having a couple of very nice conversations with some other people that I really enjoyed. 

Tuesday & Wednesday ended up being 14 hour days between the two jobs.  I was supposed to be off Wednesday night but my associate that called in sick on Saturday ended up at the ER Wednesday afternoon only to have heart surgery that night.  At this point I was very discouraged because I have a small department that is somewhat technical and there aren't very many other people trained to do what we do.  Having my associate out meant that I get to work more... a lot more.  By Friday I was finally able to get it worked out so that I would have an additional person for staffing needs but I'm worried about the quality of the individual.  Time will tell.

Thursday and Friday brought more of working both jobs only this time they were just 12 hour days which was nice.

Saturday, yesterday, was another 12+ hour day and today was another day of working as well.  I don't know how many hours I've worked in the last couple of weeks.  I have lost track.  In reality, it's probably best if I don't know.  With any luck I'll get a little break this week and have Wednesday & Thursday off from my other job.  We'll see how this temporary associate is doing by then. 

In the midst of all of this, I have met someone that I'd actually be really interested in dating.  He's very thoughtful and mature and respectful and successful.  Just an all around good guy.  Unfortunately, he's out of town now for work for a few weeks.  While I experience an odd sense of missing him, though we've never even discussed the idea of us dating, it has been a good opportunity to once again reflect on where I am.  These past 10 days have been pretty rough truth be told.  Tonight I began asking myself again what it is I'm working towards.  I realized I didn't know.  My best friend and I were watching TV tonight while I was working on some stuff for my office and at one point I asked him to pause the show so that we could talk.  I wanted him to know where I was a little.  I wanted him to know that he hadn't offended me or annoyed me in anyway and this goes for all of you in the blogging world.  However, I wanted him to know this because I would probably be pulling back a little socially.  I need some time for me.  I need to be able to focus on trying to figure out "What Makes Me Who I Am"?  These past few days I have kind of lost sight of that again and I don't want to get to far off from that.  I have friends that I considered myself to be pretty close to that I haven't heard from in quite a while and that's okay.  It makes me sad but at the same time, I have to live my life.  When they're ready to be my friend again, if the time comes, I need to make sure I'm in a position to be able to do so. 

I am so appreciative of all that is mine.  I constantly feel so blessed.  I have an amazing friend at my other job that I'm able to be close to and she means a lot to me.  I'm truly grateful for my family.  This Mother's Day I really, really, really wanted to be home to see my mom.  It was hard that I didn't even have the chance to go home.  I feel lucky to have so many friends within this blogging world.  Each of you are so amazing and bring something so unique to my life that I wouldn't have otherwise.  I hope to someday be able to repay you for all that you have done for me.

Though I may not formally say them, you are all constantly in my prayers.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that he will bless each of you with the things that you need that he is able to provide you with.

Thank you once again.