Hmmm....

I'm not 100% sure what to title this post and to be totally honest, I'm too tired to think about it. (I'm just going to say right up front that I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors. I'm mentally done but needed to get some thoughts out of my head for the night.  Thanks for being patient.)

I took a few minutes to look back through past posts and it was almost 5 months ago exactly that I felt as close to feeling as I do right now.  Tired.  I just read a very touching post regarding the strength that one can receive from our Heavenly Father.  In this post the writer describes the strong desire to partake of the baptismal covenants.  He also touches on the desire he has for those he cares about most to share in his joy of the gospel.  I too have been struggling with this as of late.

I sit here typing this when I should be in bed but I have far to much on my mind to be sleeping right now and I'm not up for typing this from my blackberry so here I am.  I am so grateful for friends.  I sometimes wonder if I'm a better friend to people then they are to me but I'm pretty sure that isn't case.  Perhaps it's just myself trying to justify things internally that tells me I'm lucky to be able to serve so many people.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I'm tired.  I have been dealing with some struggles internally that only 3 maybe 4 people know of and that's been hard.  It's much easier for me to just suppress certain things and not deal with them. Most of the time.  However, when they do make themselves known it can be very hard to look past them.

I have been weighing a great deal the future I have with M.  I can't believe how completely and totally happy I feel when I'm with him.  He's truly amazing.  He's not perfect as none of us are but he's so good for me.  However, being so close with him hasn't come without it's own unique struggles.  It's added a huge change in the balance I try to call life.  Perhaps the biggest struggle for me has been the fact that the closer I get to him, the stronger my desire is for increased spirituality in my life.  It makes him a little uncomfortable I can tell.  If it's Saturday evening and we're discussing plans for Sunday and I bring up the possibility of me attending church he gets a look in his eye that isn't comforting to me.  He doesn't seem to be against the church in anyway but rather isn't 100% supportive of me pursuing an increased spiritual aspect of my life.  I miss the spiritual feeding.  I don't often miss the church and members of it but I do miss the nourishment.  I'm looking forward to attending Music & the Spoken Word this Sunday.  I need it.

One week ago tonight I went to bed shortly after this time (about 12:30).  I had taken Friday off as M & I were going to take a little road trip out of the state for the weekend and had anticipated leaving at around 9:00 am.  Just before 3:00 am my phone rang.  A really close friend of mine had been struggling with depression for several weeks and I had finally convinced her to start taking her medication once again as well as going to see a counselor.  The problems she was dealing with were bigger then I could help her with and I was concerned for her.  She called me in tears and had been drinking and was an emotional mess.  I talked to her a bit and was feeling okay about how things were going until she said that she was bleeding because she had cut herself some with a knife.  It was 3:00 am and took me a few minutes to realize what she had just said.  I asked if she was serious and she said no and that she was going to be okay and apologized for calling me.  I hung with her and as I laid in my bed something told me that I needed to go over to her apt.  I did.  She was sitting in her bed with a knife and had been cutting on both wrists and ankles.  I managed to get both knives away from her and tried talking with her for the next couple of hours.  Around 6:30 am I called her sister and we decided that I would take her up to her parents house in Ogden.  We arrive in Ogden shortly before 8:00 am.  They were grateful that I had been there with her and that I had taken her up to their house.  I headed home to get ready to leave town.  Unfortunately I still needed to go to the office for a little bit before I could leave.  Finally around 1:00 we were on our way.  I was so excited to be leaving but not thrilled to be starting my weekend off totally exhausted from not getting much sleep and already having a long morning.  My friend's parents ended up admitting her to a hospital where she stayed until Monday evening.  M & I had a great weekend visiting some amazing sites and just enjoying being together.  We arrived home late Sunday at a reasonable hour allowing plenty of time to unpack and prepare for the coming week.  I was so looking forward to a good nights rest in my own bed.

Ever since that night, I've felt a certain amount of responsibility for my friend.  That coupled with not getting as much sleep since that night that perhaps I should be getting, a long week at work, trying to stay close with my family, struggling with finding a healthy balance between my personal life, work, M, my best friend, my family, the gym, the gospel, my little brother etc needless to say has contributed to my being tired.  So now, my question is, what are you going to do about it all.  My answer: I'm not 100% sure.