...the last test...

It's been a long time since I really hated being gay.  Until this evening.  I'm pretty sure I hate the emotional aspects of it the most.

I met someone a while ago and we've dated here and there.  I really like this guy.  We're such a good fit in so many regards.  He has so, so many of the characteristics of the person I want to spend my life with.  We were talking yesterday some and he made a comment that made me sad.  Not a hurt feelings or angry or bitter kind of sad but more of a broken-heart sad.  I tried to dismiss it but it kept ringing in my head over and over again.  Tonight provided an interesting experience.

We went to the Utah AIDS Foundation.  Neither of us had anything to worry about but agreed that if anything were to even possibly happen, we needed to make sure everything was okay.  First of all, if anyone near the Salt Lake valley has any doubt over whether or not they should be tested, you should.  If you need a ride, call me.  I'll go with you.  It's not nearly as scary as it feels it could be.  Back to my evening, it was a very interesting experience.  I was there with this amazing guy.  We weren't part of the gay social scene talking about where everyone is going on vacation or inviting each other over to see a newly remodeled room or trying to plan an evening to get together with a big group.  Instead, there we were, discreet yet confident, successful yet humble, mature yet young at heart.  It was great.  And yet, in the back of my mind was this comment from last night.  I sat there watching people come and go and he and I both going through the various procedures to confirm the expected results and all I thought about was, "I wish this could be the last test I take".  I wish this could be the one.

As we drove off I started the conversation and brought up the comment he made last night.  He asked for my feelings on it and I grew quiet.  I've long blamed my sisters for my high emotions but deep down I know better.  I took a minute and then shared my thoughts on things.  We had a great conversation but when all was said and done, we both knew how the evening was going to end and what the future would hold.  I respect this man so much for the man that he is and the choices he has made, and continues to make, in his life.  I know that I'm blessed.  I have a great life with friends and family who I love and love me.  I just wish that were enough.