It's time they heard it from me

So...my sisters all know that I'm gay though I've only told two of the five. :)  I guess that's one of the perks of having all sisters.  At any rate, I decided recently that I needed to write our some notes to help clarify any miscommunications between them about me and though it was late, did so tonight finally.  Below is a copy of what I wrote for anyone interested.

Hey Sisters,

I trust you all are well.  This email is long overdue.  If I've been listening to the right grapevines, and I think I have, I'm pretty sure you've all been discussing something about me that I had intended on telling you personally but haven't so here you go: I'm gay.  There are many ways out there to communicate this such as I'm attracted to the same gender or I have same-sex attraction or I struggle with not being attracted to the opposite sex but the fact of the matter is, I'm gay.  Hopefully you're not crying yet because trust me, there will be plenty of time for that later. ;)

I have long felt incomplete and though I dated some pretty amazing girls, as I'm sure you will all agree, I never felt much prospect of any of them helping in that regard.  Now, I'll be the first to tell someone that you don't date to be completed because you should never take anything other than 100% of yourself into a relationship but this was bigger than that.  A little over 4 years ago I started really working to figure out who I am.  I knew some basics about myself but I needed to figure out why I felt the way I did with other guys, what it meant to various aspects of my life and what in the world I was going to do with it.  I had an amazing bishop at the time who was incredible to discuss things with and who provided some great encouragement and direction.  As I studied out life and tried to learn all that I could, I came across a virtual network of friends connected through their blogging about their own self discovery and where it has taken their lives.  The first blog that I read, in the fall of 2008, completely changed my life.  It was the story of a guy in Provo that was from Montana and it told of how he was trying to figure out who he was, what his life was supposed to hold, and how to keep everything together.  I read his posts and cried because, to be honest, for the first time, I felt like I wasn't alone in what I was trying to do.  That was the start of a great friendship.  I became friends with many, many other bloggers and would spend hours reading of others' lives and experiences and sharing comments only to read more comments.  I'd spend time writing of my own experiences and then responding to comments made.  The discovery of this network provided me with so much hope for the future regardless of not fully knowing what that future would entail.  Soon after this discovery I learned that there was a fireside each month, that was organized by a couple who had a son kill himself in California partly because he was so depressed from feeling so alone in life.  I was invited to attend the fireside and upon learning that it was held in the Ivory Ridge building in Lehi almost didn't go.  However, those firesides soon became a great highlight of every month as I would have the chance to meet in a spiritual setting with sometimes hundreds of other people going through similar life experiences as myself.  These main aspects added to my life, the virtual network of bloggers and attendance at these firesides, really provided an opportunity and support system for me as I would work to figure out who I am.

Now that that's out in the open, let's talk about a few things.  Some of these things may be old news to some of you but since I have only personally been able to share this with a couple of you, here goes:

• Mom & Dad - yes, they know.  It's been almost 3 years since I found the courage to face up to any potential reality that could exist by telling them.  For some reason I was way more nervous about telling them than I was/have been about telling all of you.  It's interesting, in writing this that I went back and re-read the letter I originally wrote to them and I can read so much hope and longing for a better future in that letter.  I can recall the feeling of empowerment in knowing more about who I really am.
• All of you - as you should know well enough by now, I'm not one to fall into any specific stereotype(s).  Please don't assume that I'll go shopping with you or that I'll be better at helping you redecorate your house or that I'll be a better dresser myself. :)  Most importantly, and I'm sure this goes without saying but I want to make it clear that homosexuality and pedophilia do not go hand-in-hand.  I don't have any inappropriate thoughts or desires regarding any of my nieces and nephews.  I am truly grateful for each of you and the amazing moms and aunts that you are and I care about my nieces and nephews as if they were my own kids.  I'd do anything for those kids and that goes for the future nieces and nephews as well.
• The Church - If you don't know right now, at this point in my life, that I still very strongly believe in the gospel then we need to talk more.  Over the past few years I have gained a great appreciation of the difference between the church and the gospel.  The gospel is, and always has been and always will be, perfect and true.  It is unchanging and brings so much stability, peace, happiness, purpose, joy etc into my life.  The church is human.  I'm never going to believe that the church is 100% perfect because it is the human aspect of the gospel.  Do I think the leaders of the church, at any level, are trying to cause me harm or lead me astray?  Of course not!  Do I think it's possible for everything they say to apply to me personally?  I do not.  There is no way that everything they say can and should be applied to my personal life because each person on this earth is different and needs to be told different things are various stages in our lives.  That is one of the greatest blessings of the Holy Ghost in my opinion...to help us understand what we need to learn when we need to learn it.  Additionally, the church is filled with humans which are also not perfect.  Knowing and accepting this reminds me that the things that others say and the actions of others should not affect my life in a manner that keeps me from progressing.  The moral of the story: I know the gospel is true and I love the church for without the church, I wouldn't have the gospel.
• Work - I've had some instances come up over the years where I've felt a need to discuss this with my co-workers and each of them have been as understanding as I had expected.  One of the great things in my life has been being raised and taught by incredible parents who have continually encouraged me to be a good, hard-working person.  This has caused most people that I've discussed this with to simply say something like, "You're still the Andy I've always known...I just know a little more about you."  I've appreciated this as the potential has been there for each of them to respond differently.  For now, I plan to keep people that I work with knowing about this on as needed basis.
• My social life - Don't worry, you won't be invited to the Gay Pride Parade this year to watch me carry the banner for the opening ceremonies.  Truth be told, I've never attended anything of that nature and I don't see myself having a need to any time soon.  I have worked hard to associate myself in life with those that will inspire me to be a better person, help me to improve, hold me accountable to the principles that I hold to be important, and also, make me happy.  I do have a large number of gay friends in varying stages of life but just as being gay isn't 100% of who I am, my social circle expands well into all aspects of my life.  I told Mom & Dad almost three years ago that I was considering finding another guy to date and I have dated some here and there but in the end, very few have the characteristics and the traits that are important to me and I don't ever want to feel like I'm settling for anything less than I deserve...anything less than the best.  That being said, if I meet someone who I feel strongly enough about, who values the gospel as much as I do and strives to be as good of a person as I do and wants such things from life as I do, there is a good chance I would pursue a relationship.  I would never intentionally make any of you feel uncomfortable and I would expect that you would say something if I ever do.  However, I would also expect you to be open-minded enough to give the possibility consideration.
• Stereotypes - As I mentioned earlier, I'm not one to generally fall into any specific stereotypes.  I know there are several out there regarding the gay community and I'd like to clarify a few of them:
• I don't hate the church
• I don't drink (still haven't ever)
• I don't do drugs (still haven't ever)
• I don't go out partying all of the time (I've wanted to want to go to a club here or there but it's not me and I'm not up for forcing myself to do or be something I'm not)
• I don't have any aspirations to dress up like a woman (I'm 100% comfortable being a man)

So now, where do we go from here.  Hopefully you aren't totally bored, you haven't formed any specific judgements yet from reading this (assuming you're still reading this ;) ), and you have a little better idea about what's going on with me.  I'll tell you a couple of things like I told Mom & Dad.  I'm totally up for discussing just about anything.  One bit of caution, when you have a question to ask, be ready for any answer.  If you don't think you'll be okay with any possible answer, don't ask that question.  Also, as I have come to learn the hard way, some questions just simply don't have answers.  That's just life whether we like it or not.  I know that you all will probably continue to discuss this with each other which is just fine, I know you do it because you care :).  The only thing that I ask of you is that you not make any assumptions or develop any perceptions until you know something for sure.  I have, and still do, spent a lot of time pondering the various aspects of all of this and what it means for me and how everything in my life is supposed to work together.  I do not by any means expect any of you to have come to the same conclusions as I have because we all think differently and I have had a lot longer to think about this than you.  All I ask, and can offer in return, is respect.  Really, though, don't be afraid to ask anything.  I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and that is due to a combination of multiple factors and I want to make sure I do whatever I can to maintain that and keeping you all in my life is a big part of that.

Thank you for allowing me to be your brother.  It hasn't always been easy and most people give a look of pity upon finding out that I have five sisters and no brothers but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I have truly been blessed by each of you and continue to be blessed every day through your friendship and example.  I know I said it earlier but let me say it again, I know that the gospel is true.  As I sat in Sacrament meeting earlier today (yesterday technically now I guess) it was such a great thing to be there in that meeting and then be able to stand from the pulpit and testify that the gospel is true and that our Heavenly Father loves us and is so very much aware of each one of us and that Jesus Christ truly is our brother and watches over us and takes care of us as only a big brother can do.  We truly are blessed with a gospel of happiness in our lives.  Please know that I have never been angry at God for my life or the way it has turned out.  I learned a long time ago that we really do have our agency and it's not free, there is certainly a cost associated with using it, but God is always there to bless us and celebrate the good uses of our agency and help us get through those times when we don't use it the best.

I love you all tremendously.

Love,
Your brother,
Andy.