A year later...

It's late and while I'm waiting for the dryer to finish so i can switch my laundry I've been thinking about life some. I decided to look back at my blog a year ago just to see where I was. What a crazy year.

A year ago tonight is the night that my parents learned a little bit more about their only son. I don't know for sure but how could they not feel deflated and somewhat let down and let's be honest, a little hopeless in the future that they had always imagined for their son? Do I think they feel that way now? I don't. However, what an interesting experience.

As I sit here tonight I find myself completely full of mixed emotions. While it's great to be alive and to think about different things it can be very overwhelming at times also. So, where am I now, a year later? Let's take a look....

During the last year I've had the chance to visit with my parents some regarding some of my feelings toward the church on this topic. At the same time, I've appreciated their willingness to try and see how I can have such a strong testimony of the gospel while having my struggles with the church. I've seen their views change regarding gay people. I came out to one of my sisters. I spent almost 8 of the last 12 months dating a really great guy who, when all is said and done, was a great, great thing for me and my life but wasn't a good permanent fit. Over the last year I've grown closer to my Heavenly Father than I had expected. What a great blessing to be his child. During the last year I experienced a heart ache so badly that I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through. I've certainly made my fair share of mistakes over the past 365 days but I can honestly say that I am a better person today than I was on March 11, 2009.

So then, here I am, tonight. If you've followed my blog you may have learned that I tend to be a little emotional at times. For whatever reason, this is the case. I have loved watching Brothers & Sisters and the almost perfect yet real life that they lead on that television sitcom. The past week, however, my mind has been focused in a different manner. As much as I love Nora Walker's nurturing, motherly love that she offers her children, I have found a new appreciation for the show Parenthood. There was a moment in last week's episode between the father of a young boy and this man's father that has touched me pretty deep. This man said to his father, "There's something wrong with him Dad...there's something wrong with my son". Such an innocent, yet humble confession from a son, though a grown man, to his father. I have replayed that scene over and over in mind from two perspectives:

1. First, I can't help but wonder, has that ever been said about me? My dad hasn't had the opportunity to talk with his dad about the events of the last 12 months but I know my father well and I know that he has had many, many conversations about it with his Heavenly Father. Has this statement been made?
2. Secondly, I've pondered about it as I've often wished so strongly that I were a dad. I think about it and, most times, it's really easy for me to put myself in that man's shoes and think that it wouldn't matter if something was wrong...I was a father.

As I mentioned earlier I tend to be somewhat emotional at times and tonight could very well be one of those nights. This is my busiest time of year at my office and it's been an extremely long week. I've had the great pleasure of digitally conversating with a new friend that I have grown to really appreciate and tonight shared this confession with him: I hate being alone. I absolutely, positively, with all my heart....hate being alone. Tonight as I came home from work, sitting at 55+ hours worked so far this week between two jobs, all I wanted was to be able to be with someone and feel genuine care and concern for my well being beyond what simple words can offer. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for my life and all of the blessings that I have but at the same time, sometimes life is tough. I know that. I'll get through it. I've done it so many times before and I'll do it again but it's tough.

Do I have any regrets about any of the events from the last 365 days? No. My life has continued to be enriched and improved and I've been given opportunities to grow and learn and expand my capacity in ways I hadn't ever imagined and for that, and so many other things, I am grateful. So, while we have so many varied measures by which we keep track of time, I add yet another. It's been a year. It's been a good year. A year marked with mixed emotions and varied experiences. May the coming year bring continued opportunities and successes.

Here's to no regrets....

Andy