Some of you may recognize the names from a tv show that I've been watching. It's quickly become my new favorite show and for a number of reasons. First, it's a big family which I can relate to very well. Second, one of their sons is gay and while he is out to his family and everyone else for that matter, and I am not, he's a successful, professional, attractive guy that I find myself relating to very well. Third, I really enjoy watching it. I watched an episode about a month ago and was immediately hooked and have since starting getting the seasons through netflix to be able to better understand everyone and the background of the story. I've shared previously with some people how strongly I long for someone to love and to be loved back. As I have been able to watch this relationship between Kevin & Scotty begin, it has been an interesting experience for me. I have seen them three seasons in the future, in a sense, and know how close they are and how much they care for one another and yet, as I watch them during this dating phase, it makes me sad for how they treat each other. However, as I've thought a lot about this the past few days, and I pondered on which person I think I am more like, I came to a realization that I wasn't necessarily pleased with. I decided I'm far more like Kevin than Scotty. I act like Kevin. I think like Kevin. I mess up like Kevin. It was a good thing for me to have another reason to take a step back and look at my life and how I am living it and to realize that if I want to find someone like Scotty (or even the female equivalent if possible) then I need to be more aware of my actions and the perceptions that I'm creating. I have thought a lot recently about what I would do if "Scotty" came along in my life and I don't think I want to pass up on that chance if I were presented with it.
For those of you not necessarily 100% pleased with the thought of me pursuing a relationship with another man, I'm sorry if I disappoint you. However, let me assure you that it's a hard thing to not feel disappointed with myself. I don't know how much of that is religious based disappointment or socially based or simply subconsciously based but it's hard to not let myself feel that. The biggest factor in me not feeling that is simply the reality that I experience. The loneliness and the longing for someone like "Scotty" in my life becomes so great sometimes that it is really consuming and I have to see if I can do this. I have to see if I can live my life with the gospel (not necessarily the church - there is a difference!) and have someone so special to spend time with.
It is because of all of this that I may end up taking a break from blogging and the blog world. I don't know. I haven't really decided if I will take a break or not because I really enjoy reading of your lives and your experiences but I don't know that it is the best option right at this point in my life. Who knows. Perhaps I'll feel differently tomorrow but I felt I should express some of my feelings, even if for no other reason than for me to be able to look back and see what I was experiencing.
Andy, I'm not sure I can say anything to help you make any decisions or come to any conclusions in the conflict you're facing--ultimately we all have to make our own decisions.
ReplyDeleteBut I will say that though there are probably (as you say) some who are "not necessarily 100% pleased with the thought of [you] pursuing a relationship with another man" there are also some of us who will support you in whatever decision you make, as long as we don't have reason to believe it was rashly made. Nobody can truly know what's best for you better than you, except for God. Listen to His advice (through the Spirit) and ignore what anyone (human) says, and you can't go wrong.
Whether you break from blogging or not, know that I'm always an email away if you need to chat. I'm sure there are others who would be happy to be similarly available as well.
Good luck!
Andy, I know of your spirit and know that you will be contemplative and prayerful as you make your decision. I know that our loving Father and Brother will guide your path. I pray that you will turn to them and leave room for their gentle hand in you life.
ReplyDeleteI know that whatever path you choose, you will live honorably and with integrity. You will continue to bless the lives of those lucky to know you. I will always treasure our friendship.
I love you Andy.
Steve
Hey man, I'm one of those that will love you no matter what you choose. I promise that. I know and understand the difficulty it is to make decisions regarding the intimate relationships you'll pursue. Like Bravone said, be open to the Creator in the choices you make. I feel a little hypocritical in saying that, but I know it's valuable and, because I know you, I know it's something that is important to you. Seiously man, whatever decisions you make, make sure that you're fully aware and conscious of what you're doing. What I'm saying is, don't let the default happen. Don't let your life take place without your directing it. That happens and results in despair and sadness. Direct your own life and make the decisions that you'll look back on and approve of. You're really a very good person Andy. I really mean that. Also, I love you and really care about you. You're great man. I'm incredibly glad that we're friends. Later man.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Lets go shooting this week. Is Friday or Saturday good for you?
Andy,
ReplyDeleteWhatever you decide, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your blog. Although I haven't been following it for that long I have been impressed with who you are as a person. I think we all deserve a loving partner for this life, and am impressed with the steps you're taking to be ready for yours. Oh, and thanks for the Brothers & Sisters recommendation, I keep on hearing about this, so I need to check it out.
Scott - thanks. Though we haven't really talked much or anything, I am truly thankful to you and Sarah. The two of you have changed my life forever and I am grateful for that.
ReplyDeleteBravone - thanks for your confidence regarding my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Thanks for the confidence not only in me but also in them. Talk about blessing lives man...I treasure our friendship greatly as well.
Robert - thank you for the reminder about life. It's interesting I was just telling someone that I feel like I'm just living again and I don't like that feeling. I appreciate the reminder to be more actively engaged in my life. I need to get some ammo and we'll go shooting.
El Genio - thanks for posting! The show has been great and definitely worth checking out in my opinion. I hope to hear more from you soon!