I have a couple of thoughts I needed to get off my chest. The first being something that I've been thinking about for most of this week. There is a fairly new song that I've been listening to quite a bit. Perhaps I have personalized it in a way that wasn't intended by the artist but nonetheless, it's caused me to think. There is a line in the song that says, "How many times can I break till I shatter" which is repeated in several places. I've wondered this lately. This is a big reason why I have made previous references to becoming an introvert where I feel safe. Towards the end of the song he sings, "All that I feel is the realness I'm faking, Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting". Oh how I can relate to this notion.
I decided tonight that while I'm not going to close myself off 100% from the world, I'm going to shoot for around 90-95%. Right now, in my life, I can't afford to keep breaking. I'm tired of faking the realness in my life. I have been so close during the last couple of weeks to simply coming out to everyone around me but after the moment passes, I'm so glad that I didn't. My world isn't ready for that change and I'm not certainly not going to push it on them just yet. Lucky for those of you that read this blog, I'm pretty sure it falls within the 5-10% of me that I'm going to not close off. This blog is a big deal to me and I honestly feel that it often helps me to heal when I'm broken. Hopefully closing off some will help me to not shatter but only time will tell.
Hey man, I'm glad that you're taking things safe. Sometimes, you've got to trim the tree. Life can get so encumbered by add-ons that it becomes too fake, superficial, or too much. Love ya man. Don't ever hesitate to call or email. Love ya bro. :)
ReplyDeleteI absolutely LOVE this song by O.A.R. I liked it the first time I heard it. Interestingly it touched me too, like it did you Andy.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so expressive and poetic in a way. I can sense your soul in your writing and its kind of sad. I read a book recently about a man who passed away and came back to life, but was allowed his memory of the spirit world. He described how our spirits don't move mouths when they talk because they communicate in a much purer way, spirit to spirit. Spirits actually use all possible sense to communicate experiences one to another so there is a much deeper, purer meaning conveyed. I see, from reading your blogs that you try to convey so much with your writing. You're very senstive, I can feel your desperation when you write. It makes me almost want to cry.