So, a few of you know that I'm working on coming out to my parents this week. I'm in the process of writing them a letter that I will be emailing to them that they will read together. A very close friend of mine whose advice and wisdom I cherish deeply provided me with some suggested "talking points" (if I can reference them that way) regarding things that he thinks would be helpful for me to include and I wondered if any of you had any suggestions for things that have worked. Feel free to share!
You've probably already thought of this, but if you have a copy of "In Quiet Desperation" you should loan it to your parents after you tell them. My mom had a hard time understanding what I was going through until she read it. She's a lot more understanding now. Her reading that book was the most helpful thing in my coming-out process.
ReplyDeleteI hope it all turns out okay. I know I was scared to death when I told my parents, but I'm so glad that I did. The only thing I would say is, just keep in mind where they're coming from. I got a little upset when my parents couldn't understand certain things, but I finally had to realize "can you blame them?" This is all completely foreign to them, whereas I've been dealing with this for YEARS! It's a big step, though. Way to be brave, man!
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ReplyDeleteI just wanted to add a few thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI think that being honest is the best policy. If you feel that sharing with them what you struggle with will help you in staying strong and provide you the support you need to stick with the gospel. Those who love you are the ones who are the best in a position of love and trust.
A few things though to consider.
Make sure that you are sure about what you want. If you plan on staying with the church, make sure that's clear. Give them a copy of "God Loveth His Children" etc. In all honesty you aren't really "coming out" to them. Coming out in the gay culture indicates a stepping away or leaving behind and embracing being "gay" as who you are and how you plan on living.
Second be prepared to deal with the way they accept it. In some cases someone may not be emotionally ready to deal with it. Be sensitive to that. Be as loving and tolerant and understanding of them as you hope they will be of you. Again make clear what your goals are and bare your testimony.
You may find that they already suspected or that they are upset that you have been dealing with this alone and never told them when they do love you and stand ready to help you. Also remember that its pretty normal for parents to look for reasons or blame themselves. Assure them that its no ones fault and its not something that you can choose but that its something you can choose not to act on. Again that pamphlet will help.
Finally, pray about this. Make sure you are ready and follow the guidance of the Holy Ghost.
I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that you will tell me how it works out. If you need a friend I'm here.
I was so scared when I took that plunge. The only thing i can say is let it come from your heart. Direct. Let them know you love them and that you are sharing this because you love them.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember it will take them time to understand but their love for you should overpower that lack of understanding! Good luck and God bless! I am very proud of you buy the way!
I'm working on that myself... but, since I've not done it yet, I can't really tell you what works. I totally hope that you have a great clarity of mind when you write that and are able to express youself accurately and clearly. I totally love you man. It's gotta go well. Remember to give them time to come to an understanding - they might need some. It's taken us a very long time to come to accept this part of ourselves, so be patient with them. Love you bro. Call me if you ever need. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you've decided to make this step :) Although, I would always recommend telling them face to face and then sending the letter as more of an in depth follow up. Either way, you are taking an important step.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been down this path yet, but my prayers are with you. I think it's an important step, and can lead to good things down the road.
ReplyDeleteDear Andy,
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best as you reveal these things about yourself to your parents. I admire your honesty and wanting to share this. I hope all goes well for you. You are in my prayers and thoughts.
I have come out to a few family members: a beloved nephew, my twin sister and her two daughters and husbands. I feared I would be excluded from their lives if they knew. It really was not by choice that I told them, but I am glad the circumstances were such that it did come out.
They all have been nothing but loving and supportive. I know this is how it should be with people whom we love and who love us.
You are a stellar man. I know your parents love you. I hope they will be loving and supportive as you share these important parts of your self with them.
Love, always. Duck
Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteSome good comments here already. I'll second (third? fourth?) the notion that you should make it clear to them what your intentions for the future are. That's going to be their biggest concern, most likely. But don't give them false assurances. Be honest with them.
I'm 50/50 on the in-person vs. letter question. Some of my in-persons have gone well and others haven't. Maybe a reverse of what October Rising suggested? Schedule a time to talk with them, but let them know that you'll be emailing them an hour beforehand and that you want them to read the email before you meet. That way you get to get everything out the way you want to without worrying that you're going to stumble over your words and mess things up, but they still get the opportunity to ask questions if they want. Just a suggestion--you know your parents, and probably know how to best approach it.
Again, good luck, and don't hesitate to contact me privately (address in my Blogger profile) if you have any questions or need any moral support.
Confession -- I hate In Quiet Desperation, I feel like it gives people unrealistic expectations of queers. If they have questions I want them to talk to me. I want there to be dialog between us, I dont want them going to other sources such as those supporting change therapy. Or those who believe that this is some illness that needs to be suppressed until God "fixes" us after a life of loneliness.
ReplyDeleteParents are pretty amazing. My experience is that they will do everything they can to stay close to their kids. I wish you the best of luck.