I did it

I talked with my parents last night for a while which was really nice. As we were hanging up the phone I told them that I had sent them an email and they should check it out. I left the office, headed home and worked for a little while longer. I hadn't heard anything from them so I decided to check their email to see if they had read the email or not and they hadn't. I really wanted them to read it together so I deleted the email.

We chatted a little bit tonight and I reminded them to check their email. I've been working for a couple of hours and finally noticed they signed into their gmail account. A little nervousness set in. They stayed signed in for quite a while and then all of the sudden, they signed out. I had really hoped to hear something from them but I'm okay without hearing something as well.

Regardless, I told them. My best friend asked me how I'm feeling about things and I really feel at peace still. I feel good about what I wrote and where I'm at personally with my life. I can't control their reaction but I can control my reaction to their feedback. Now, I wait. We currently have plans to see each other briefly Friday night as they drive into town and then we're going to the Draper Temple Open House Saturday morning.

Thank you so much to everyone that provided suggestions/feedback to my earlier post. More importantly, thank you for being you. Your friendship, support, encouragement, prayers and love are so greatly appreciated. I hope that each of you feel that you can ask me for anything if you find yourself in a position of need.

Below is a copy of the letter they read tonight:

Dear Dad & Mom,

Let me say how much I love you guys. Though it may not have always shown on my face, I was so grateful for the chance to go up and help you guys move a couple of weeks ago. It was a busy, tough, tiring and exhausting few days but I also felt very blessed to be able to spend the time with you both. You are both such amazing examples for us kids to follow and I’m so very grateful to you for that.

I’ve had something on my mind for quite a while now and I feel that it’s time to share it with you. For a long time I have struggled with who I am. I was never the popular kid in high school or college and I think that was the case for multiple reasons, some I chose and some I didn’t. I often times found myself wanting to look more like this person or wanting to be as cool as so and so which I think was good to a certain degree as it helped me trying to continually improve myself. However, as time went on, I learned that I will always be me….and that’s okay.

Over the past 2 ½ years since I moved to Utah I have had the experience of being on a journey of self-discovery. This need to figure out who I am started a long time ago and once I graduated from BYU-Idaho I thought, this could be my chance to move away and live my life and figure out who I really am! When I moved to Utah I thought, starting now I will do things for me! I will accomplish things at work for me. I will visit my family when I want to. I will go to church if/when I want to. I will do things for me. And so I did. Life was going along pretty well until I realized that doing things for me was great but what was really my purpose? I hadn’t really figured out who I was? Even though I was trying to do things for me, truth be told, I was doing things because I continued to seek the approval of others. While I was okay with that I was a little disappointed that I wasn’t aware of what I needed to do to really approve of myself. So, this journey of self-discover began. I began to think back over mainly the past 15, almost 16, years of my life and to evaluate the decisions I had made and the experiences I had gained for myself. What did it all mean? What was the greater purpose of it all? What lessons had I really learned? And perhaps, more important, what lessons did I still need to learn?

What key things did I learn? Here are a few:

• I learned that I am a loved son and brother. I am loved not only by the two of you and my five sisters and countless extended family but I am loved so very much by a kind, gracious, patient, and loving Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. I have felt their love in a very real sense and I know it’s true. I am also loved by my Savior Jesus Christ. He is my brother and the love that I feel from him is very comforting and pure and in a very real sense it is quite different than the love of my Heavenly Father. He loves me as a brother and I am so grateful for that. There have been many, many moments in my life where all I could feel was this love and how grateful I am for that.
• I learned that I am good enough as I am. This was a tough thing for me and it continues to be so. Society tells us that we should look a certain way and even within the church we are taught that we should think and act a certain way to a certain degree. While I feel it’s good to have principles and guidelines to help us to be better and to improve, I can’t help who I am and I can’t conform to society’s “ideals” just for the purpose of conforming.
• One of the last key things I have learned of myself is that I am attracted to men. Some choose to refer to themselves as having same sex attraction or same gender attraction for purposes of avoiding the connotation of the term “gay” and I have gone the rounds personally with how I accept who I am but at the end of the day, it is what it is. I have been attracted to other men for as long as I can remember. Sure I can appreciate a beautiful woman and can respect women for the blessed part they play in God’s plan but the thought of me being married to woman is so disheartening for me. As you very well know, I’ve dated a few really good girls that I became very good friends with but there came a time with each of them when they wanted something more for our relationship and I just couldn’t do it. I would try. I would try so hard to reconcile my feelings and desires to allow myself to further pursue those relationships but it became so much more of a chore than something I enjoyed and it wasn’t fair to them. During the past 2 ½ years I have learned a lot about why this was the case.

My attraction to men goes far beyond the physical attraction. For me, the physical attraction to men is simply that, physical, and more than anything it helps me want to improve myself and continue to be better. My attraction to other men is a matter of feeling fulfilled on an emotional, social, spiritual, and personal level. I don’t know that I can really explain anything further for you because it is so personal and I don’t think I could find words to express it. I am still working to figure out what my life holds for me in the future. At this point, I am strongly considering a meaningful relationship with another man. While I have not completely written off the idea of being married and having a family, I do not feel that it is currently the best option for me to pursue. I am striving to continue living a life that includes as much of the gospel that I feel possible and hope to find someone that I can continue on that path with.

You may be wondering why I am telling you this now and that question is quite justified. There are things going on with certain family members that I feel need to be addressed and yet, I feel that if I address them it will only create more questions that do not have answers which would only lead to speculation. Rather than allowing any room for doubt and assumptions I have made my decision to be open with you now about where I am currently at. I don’t know how soon I’ll tell my sisters. I know well enough that a couple of them will take this differently than I would like but that is something that I will have to deal with. Additionally, I know that you two will have questions and I hope you will believe me when I say that I sincerely hope you will feel like you can ask anything you want. I may not be able to answer every question and please don’t take that as me trying to avoid anything but some things, as I have come to understand, don’t have answers right now and may not in this life.

If I may, let me reiterate once again my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. While I may sometimes struggle with the church, I have come to understand on a very personal level the distinguishing factors that allow the gospel to be true. I know it is true. I know that the church is the physical “arm” of the gospel and that without the church, we wouldn’t have the gospel today. I also know, and feel fortunate to have this understanding, that the church being the physical aspect of the gospel is not perfect and that while I may struggle with some of the actions of some of the members of the church, I do know that the gospel is still true.

Mom & Dad, I love you both so very much. Please do not, for a single moment, place any blame for my life on yourselves. No one has all of the answers as to why some people in this life have to deal with this. I am so grateful to have you as my parents and feel very blessed to be able to share this part of my life with you. I hope and pray so very much that you will continue to treat me like the son you have up until now. I am still me. The only difference between me now and me a few minutes ago is that you now know more about me. While I can honestly say that I am looking forward to talking about this with you when you are ready, if I may ask, please don’t lecture me on how I can be cured from this. If you only knew the heartfelt, tearful prayers that I have cried through begging my Heavenly Father to please, somehow take this away from me you would know that I have tried. I have felt the far reaching impacts of your prayers and I hope they will continue. However, that being said, let me encourage you to trust in our Savior to bring the peace and comfort that you seek. I have sought it many, many times and know, with a very deep conviction, that he is there and that he will bless those who seek him.

If you have read this far let me say once again how grateful I am for you as my parents and my friends. How tremendous a task you have undertaken raising 6 of our Heavenly Father’s children and how happy I am sure he is with your efforts. I am so looking to seeing you guys this weekend for the temple open house. If you want to talk before then please feel free to either email or call.

Love,

Your Son,

Andy