This afternoon I left the office and headed to Brighton for a little snowboarding. I hadn't been snowboarding this season yet and I can't honestly remember if I went snowboarding at all last season either. I have been skiing a few times this year but I hadn't been out on my board. The snow was perfect, for me at least and I really loved being up there by myself on my board. It was so peaceful. I headed home and changed my clothes and went to Salt Lake to watch one of my roommates' band perform. I got there and they had changed the order of the bands some so there was another band to perform before them. I was really glad this other band performed. They sang the following song:
Everybody knows me
But I don't know myself
Everybody wants me
But I don't want myself to be there
Acting like I care when I don't care
Lock me in my room
I'll paint you a picture of how I feel
Representing to you what is real
What is real?
Abstracted I'm actively acting
Pushing the paint on the color wheel
Just to show you how I feel
Living a lie is so surreal
Can you see that?
You're desensitized and now you can't feel that
Take me back to the days when things were simple
Leave me alone in my world
This song struck me pretty hard. I've been struggling lately pretty bad feeling tired of being alone. Why would I be "blessed" with this trial and provided the opportunity in this life the chance to grow and develop as much as others preach if by doing so I have to be so alone. Many people, good, honest, encouraging people have made suggestions as to how my life can feel more fulfilled but at the end of the day, it is what it is and I'm still alone. Perhaps I'm just sitting alone ;) in this pity party and it's allowing me to feel a little more alone but again, it is what it is.But I don't know myself
Everybody wants me
But I don't want myself to be there
Acting like I care when I don't care
Lock me in my room
I'll paint you a picture of how I feel
Representing to you what is real
What is real?
Abstracted I'm actively acting
Pushing the paint on the color wheel
Just to show you how I feel
Living a lie is so surreal
Can you see that?
You're desensitized and now you can't feel that
Take me back to the days when things were simple
Leave me alone in my world
I don't know what my life holds for me and I can't worry to much about it. I can only control what I can control and I need to just worry about that.
I'll write again soon.
Dear Andy,
ReplyDeleteI am glad you were able to have such a wonderful dayon the slopes. Nothing like being in nature, doing what one loves to receive added joy.
I am sorry you are struggling so much with being alone. The weight of that can be pretty overwhelming, at times. I am proud of you for feeling what it is you are feeling,, for styaing with the feelings and trying to learn what it is you can learn.
I wish I had the magic answers for you, but I do not. I do know I trust you and I know you will find what it is right for you.
I wish I could give you a warm embrace, let you know how much you are loved and cared for.
Have a good day.
Duck
I wish I had a perfect answer. I don't. I do love you and pray for you daily.
ReplyDeleteAndy, I remember going to dances and hanging out with friends and having a WONDERFUL time, feeling loved and surrounded by friends and fun. .and then coming home and the dichotomy of fearing the silence and lonliness that was there. Something strange about the 2 extreme feelings: the high of being with friends (for you its skiing) and then the low of being alone and depressed. You are feeling that now. It sets in particularly strongly when you're tired and just going to sleep. You probably long to have someone hold you. At least, thats how I felt for years. I ache for you Andy. I've been there. I'm sorry. It ENDS. It goes away. You are not alone in this. Apparently, you're making progress all the time. One day you'll wake up and decide you don't want to be alone anymore. I actually have some advice for ya. But it won't fit in this little box. Lets chat.
ReplyDelete