This past weekend had some unexpected challenges. Friday night didn't go quite as I had planned though I know that it was probably for the best. However, the events of the night caused an interesting dream for me.
I woke up in the middle of the night pretty scared and nervous. Somehow, in my dream, there were two of me. I know some of you may be thinking this sounds more like a nightmare already but it gets better. :) The reason that there was two of me was simple: I was locking myself up in some weird, kind of prison. Before I knew it, I had shackles on my wrists and ankles and I was chained to a wall. I was terrified because I couldn't see anything but I could hear other people just miserable and in agony. I can't exactly recall the event leading up to me being in this prison but I know it involved an attempt at activity in the church again along with a guy that I was trying to be close to and things weren't going well. I asked myself, literally, in this dream why I was doing this to myself and it was because this is what I had to do in order to be in the church. I didn't like it. I didn't want to be miserable like everyone else I could hear around me.
Is this what I'm really doing to myself?
Saturday afternoon I was working at my office for a while and I lost it. Luckily no one else was around but I chatted with a close friend of mine about this some to get his thoughts. Unfortunately he didn't have any more answers than I did. I didn't really expect him to but it sure would have been helpful. The question I asked him was something along the lines of if he thought my lot in life was to work hard in an attempt to be successful and find happiness in simply being a good son and brother, favorite uncle, good neighbor, the one who takes care of my parents as they age by default because I don't have anything else going on in my life (i.e. my own family)? The thought of this being my life is honestly not exciting to me. Is there enough potential for happiness in the life described to out weigh the happiness that exists when I find an amazing man to be close with and share life with? I realize that this is totally a personal life and the choices that I have to make are mine and mine alone. I just wish that sometimes we had a little more information about the outcome of life.
Hello...You obviously don't know me but I think that I may be able to help a little bit.
ReplyDeleteI recently started coming out to people and it was hard beyond imagining as you obviously know. But I did things a little differently. The first person I came out too was not a friend, was not a parent, and was barely an acquaintance, but I suspected he was gay...(also I had a major crush on him...) And as it turns out he was! We were "friends" for about 4-5 days until I took it to the next level with a kiss. It ended some 3 weeks later, mostly because he wasn't ready. Though it was hard and it didn't go as planned I will never regret it because it showed me what I could have on a small scale and the feeling of being the center of someones universe does wonders to the self esteem. If the guy in your ward (I'm not really Mormon at this point...things like prop 8 changed my stance on religion but I have maintained my morals. I can honestly say that I feel NO guilt about what I did and that, though you may be scared it will be worth it to put yourself out there.) is gay (I know HUGE insert haha) than go for it! Just hang out make sure you are alone and just hold his hand. If he really is gay and as scared as you this will break all the ice between you. I know your life is your own to deal with and to live but living for everyone else will just leave you feeling empty, unfulfilled, and alone. You have to realize that "wickedness never was happiness" so if you are truly happy, as I was, than you will still be a good person.
-BHG (Have an awesome day, guys like us really need them!)
Big hug my friend.
ReplyDeleteHere's my (still fairly LDS) perspective on things:
ReplyDeleteThe church tells us that homosexuality is a "trial"--something to be endured during this life. But they've admitted that it's an inherent trait (for this life, at least) and that it's not something that most will "overcome" in this life.
In fact, various general authorities have compared homosexuality to other "handicaps" that some people have to deal with.
Our goal is eventual perfection--both in body and in spirit. But nobody is expected to be "perfect" right now. Rather, we are expected to do the best we can in the circumstances and situations in which we find ourselves, and to trust in the Atonement to compensate for our shortcomings.
We're also told that "men are that they might have joy", and that family and spousal relationships are the most important ones that we can create in this life.
So if I, as a gay man, am naturally inclined to love another man, and if I hope to find joy in this life, and to create a spouse-type relationship (and possibly a family) with someone who I can love truly and completely...
Then isn't finding joy and happiness with a man "doing my best" in the circumstances that I find myself in in this life?
I can still try to live the commandments to the best of my ability, and within the parameters that my attractions place on me.
But to deny myself the joy and happiness that we are told is one of the primary reasons for life on earth... I can't believe that God really expects that of me.
If a gay relationship is, in fact, sinful, then I can trust that my inability to live a complete and full life without succumbing to that "sin" will be addressed by the Atonement, and all will be made right in the next life.
(Personally, I don't believe it's sinful, but even from an LDS perspective that assumes it is, it seems to me that the logic above is solid).
Anyway... food for thought.