Psalms 38

Sunday morning my roommate sent me a text letting me know that our Stake President would be leading a discussion during Priesthood that day in conjunction with our Ward Conference.  I was still at my parents house and had planned on leaving early enough to attend Sacrament meeting and decided that I'd try and leave a little early and get back to Utah in time to make this meeting.  I arrived at my apt around 1:15, changed my clothes and made it to church by 1:25...just a little late for this discussion.  I hadn't ever heard this Stake President speak but my roommate likes him quite a bit so I was anxious to hear him.  My roommate was right and this man was amazing.  I really enjoyed listening to him not only in that discussion but later in Sacrament meeting as well.

At one point during the discussion I pulled my Bible out of my bag and flipped through some pages and came across Psalm 38.  I decided to take a minute and read it as I generally enjoy reading the Psalms.  As I read it, I began to get a little emotional and before I knew it, the tears started.  Luckily my roommate had the wisdom to save me a seat in the back of the room so I don't think to many people noticed.  I felt like I could simply say "Amen" after reading it.

"O Lord, rebuke me not in thy wrath: neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.  For thine arrows stick fast in me, and thy hand presseth me sore."
"...mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me."
"...I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long."
"For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh."

Oh how I have felt this so many times.  I know that some people don't like it when we refer to being gay as a burden or a challenge or whatever but let's be honest for a second and admit that if we hold true to our testimony, regardless of how small it is, being gay is a burden to carry.  I really like the phrase "there is no soundness in my flesh" because that's how I have felt sometimes about this all.  You think about the redwoods of California and the "soundness" of those trees and I think it's safe to say those are pretty sound.  Do I sometimes feel that I'm pretty hollow and weak? You bet.  The Psalm goes on:

"...My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off".

My family and friends don't all know because there is a good chance that some of them will "stand aloof from my sore" if they were to know about everything.  Even my parents, as great of people as they are, were very explicit in stating that they will always love me but they wouldn't be able to support me in finding a guy to date.

"...For I am ready to halt, and my sorrow is continually before me.  For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin....Forsake me not, O Lord: O my God, be not far from me.  Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation."

Could there really be a greater way to ask for forgiveness?  What a humble confession and plea!  I've felt this very way on more than one occasion.
And then, as I was re-reading this, verses 19 & 20 stuck out to me:

"...But mine enemies are lively, and they are strong: and they that hate me wrongfully are multiplied.  They also that render evil for good are mine adversaries; because I follow the thing that good is."

I found this section interesting because I think it could be applied to those within the church that don't understand this and condemn those who choose to live a life other than they would maybe choose.  I also think it's very easy to apply this to those in the gay community who can't understand why someone would have any desire to try and keep a level of activity in the church.  I've met some great people lately who simply feel like that they don't belong in the gay community or the church.  I think at various points in my life I have felt this way.

Reading this Psalm was very heavy for me.  I think between a combination of the powerful statement made by David in these verses and the fact that I was so physically and mentally exhausted from spending a few days at home working on some stuff with my family, this Psalm quickly became almost too much to handle.  However, how grateful I am to have found this at the very time when I know I needed to read it.

I'm still not 100% sure what direction I'm focusing on right now in my life.  I have a very good friend that I enjoy spending time with lately along with some amazing friends spanning from totally active in the church to fully immersed in the gay community.  I consider myself lucky.  I'm happy.  Life is not always easy but it's my choice whether or not I am happy.  During Sacrament meeting I read Psalm 143 where David says:

"I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.  Hear my speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not they face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.  Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.  Deliver me, O Lord, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.  And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant."

Well said David.