I'm done. I'm so tired of this. Perhaps I'm just mentally & physically & emotionally exhausted from a very long week but I'm done. I'm tired of putting on this facade that everything is going so well in my life. That I'm so happy. That I love working 70+ hour weeks every week. That I love it when people ask me about my dating life. I'm done pretending that I have hope of finding the right girl to marry. I'm so done with keeping everything from my parents. I want them to know everything (well, almost everything) so badly so that I can just be me for once!
My other struggle is spiritually and this is a HUGE struggle right now. I have a testimony. I didn't waste two years of my life teaching people about the church I believe because I was bored. I can honestly say I believe in the gospel. However, that being said, if my Heavenly Father truly won't test me beyond that which I can handle, then why the crap doesn't he step in more and help me through these f-ing trials. I'm done. I so wish right now I just had a partner, someone who I could turn to not just tell me that everything will be okay but someone who would listen to me and would be honest with their feelings and who would comfort me and would want would nothing more than just to let me have a break. Someone who is loves me as much as I want to love them and who because they understand so well, to the smallest detail, what it is exactly that I'm going through. Someone who wouldn't try to make things better but rather would hold me and would be there by my side through whatever I go through knowing within their heart that "this too shall pass". I'm really tired of having to depend on Heavenly Father or the Lord for that source of strength. I need it physically. It's not bad enough other areas in my life are struggles for me but this has to be such a focus point in my life, such a huge, ugly thorn that I have to deal with.
Earlier tonight I bought a beer for someone and later I was thinking, "why didn't I just buy two?" My first answer was, "I don't drink" but then my thoughts quickly turned to wondering why not? I didn't and I'm not planning on it but something really has got to give. I'm done.
I read your post over an hour ago. It gave me much to think about before I could come back and comment. I have been where you are. Exactly. Down to the very questions you ask, and even the desire to begin drinking. It is a painful place to be. And, my response many times to that place was, "If this is a freaking test, then just give me the F and let's move on." There are no easy answers to this place you are in. I even feel like it is a necessary place in which to be- it is a place of growth. But, it is NOT easy. When I was in the same place you are in, no one could give me my answers. I just had to be in that place and learn to sit with it. I am not going to give you a rah rah speech. I think that would only make you feel angrier. But, I am going to ask you some questions:
ReplyDelete1. Do you have any internal healing that needs to take place?
2. Are you taking care of yourself? Listening to good music? Eating? Sleeping enough? Exercising? Staying away from too much sugar?
3. Do you have someone with whom you can talk? A friend? A therapist? Prayer?
4. Have you tried any online support groups? North Star offers discussion groups for those of same-sex attracted. Many have gone through what you now face and can offer insights.
5. At times, I too ask myself these hard questions. And, I, too, seem to find no answers. Not the kind, anyway, where someone materializes in my life and helps me get rid of the lonliness or longing I may feel. Sometimes, I just have to feel what it is I feel. Sometimes, I have to be lonely. Sometimes, sad. That is OK. It is OK to feel what you feel.
6. I am sorry you feel such unhappiness right now. Perhaps this is a measuring stick against the changes you need to make in your life. Only you know that and what those changes may be. Listen to your gut.
7. Are you going through a developmental stage? If so, go through it. Learn what you need to learn.
I am thinking about you. I wish I had a magic wand that could remove your painful struggle. I do not. Still, I wish you peace. Duck
It's tough, isn't it? I won't say I know exactly how you feel, but I imagine I've had some similar episodes in my own life.
ReplyDeleteEverything Duck has said is good advice. I'll throw in my own recommendation of the NorthStar groups (specifically the "Men" group), with the caveat that you should join with the understanding that there are a few opinionated people whose posts should never be taken personally. Some might tell you that I'm one of them. :)
It sounds like you don't have anyone in the physical world you can lean on. If that's true, I highly recommend finding someone. I don't know your situation well enough to specifically recommend your parents, but it sounds like you're considering coming out to them. You might find the support you're looking for from them.
You can also consider friends and other family, and if you're not comfortable sharing your secret with anyone you know right now, I'm more than wiling to talk (and more important, to listen). Feel free to email me (address in my profile) for one-on-one communication if you want to get to know me better.
Hang in there! You can get through this, and things will get better.
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ReplyDeleteAndy, I read your post earlier this morning, and haven't had a chance to respond. I am still tied up for a few hours, but want you to know that I am praying for you. I wish I could ease your burden.
ReplyDeleteBravone
Good! No more pretending! It's not worth the agony. Just be honest with your parents. I'm sure it'll turn out well, and it'll be such a HUGE relief!
ReplyDeleteDuck - thanks for your comments. I really appreciate what you've said. I'm glad that they're written down because I don't know that I'm 100% ready to really read them and try to apply them, at least partially, in my life at this point.
ReplyDeleteScott - thank you as well. I have always enjoyed reading your blog and appreciate the words of wisdom which you often share.
Bravone - thanks for your care and concern man. It's appreciated.
October - I'm glad someone has faith in those things turning out that way. This past weekend with my family reassured me that they're not ready for the real me yet. Maybe someday.
Hey Andy, I'm sorry you feel like that, why didn't you say anything? You should know better young man. ;) I'm really sorry we didn't talk about things that much. We just kinda ate and watched movies... I had fun, but we didn't really talk. We should. You're really good at making things look like they're good. You hate that, don't you. You wish others would see what's really going on. I might be wrong, but that's what I suspect. I love you man. Really, I'm so so glad we're friends and that we hang out sometimes. I'm excited to see you this week. Maybe sooner than later. Love ya Andy. Thanks for helping me. I'm here for you too. Love ya man, and thank you for being here.
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