Merry Christmas. I think I'm wishing myself a Merry Christmas as much as I am anyone else. It's a little after 4:00 pm and I don't know exactly what I'm feeling. It's been a really good day overall. I made it to my parent's house with my little sister a little after 11:00 pm last night and felt very fortunate that the roads weren't very bad. The storm I had been dreading blew in around 10:00 pm providing with some pretty decent snow fall during the night. My whole family was home which was nice but it feels different for me this year. I don't know that they have changed near as much as I have changed this year from last.
As I think about the last couple of Christmases, and where I am/was personally, I have some interesting reflections. Two years ago I was just finishing telling myself I didn't want to be in a relationship with another guy but rather I wanted to get my life back in line with the teachings of the church. A year ago at this time I was still figuring out how to approach my new bishop in my ward about where I was trying to go personally. I had finally worked up enough courage to go and meet with the bishop in October prior to Christmas and then he got released the first part of December. This year, I don't know where I'm at. The last couple of months have been an amazing experience for me regarding self discovery. I find myself being more and more comfortable with me as a whole. I have always been so deeply ashamed of my attraction to other men and have done all that I could do to ensure that no one knew about it. However, at this point in my life, I find myself being okay with this fact. I'm sitting here wishing so much that my family could know the real me. The real me that has a strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the fact that my Heavenly Father loves me so very much. The real me that struggles with same gender attraction and while is not perfect in that struggle, tries hard to figure out how to best incorporate the multiple lives that I am leading into each other. The real me that always has been and will continue to be their only son, only brother and favorite uncle (on this side of the family at least). The real me that is a child of God just as much as they are. I've never experienced this longing and desire before and it's been hard to deal with today. In some regards, it's really hard to be home.
However, this Christmas night, I'm grateful for my Savior and for my Heavenly Father. I am grateful that they love me. I am grateful for the blessings that are mine because of them. I am grateful to have good friends that understand to a degree my struggles and challenges and try to relate and offer advice & encouragement as they feel appropriate. I am grateful for the snow that has fallen recently up here and for the purity that it can represent. I am grateful for my life and while I sometimes complain about working to much and complain about not having enough friends I am grateful that I can work and that I do have some friends.
I hope that those which I am close to have enjoyed this Christmas day. I hope that this next year brings peace and happiness for those people that are hoping for it. Thank you to each of you that have contributed to my life as I know I would not be where I am at today without your help.
Season's greetings and love to you all this Christmas evening.
Andy
How many times have I said "I know how you feel"? Well, here is another one for you!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait until the time that my family knows the real me, completely. I don't know when this well be, but I can't wait for it.
Merry Christmas! Love ya man!
Andy, you are a loving and kind man. I can feel and hear the sadness in the things you have written today. May you feel comforted and joyful in your choices to be close to Heaven and Its inspired help.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good friend to me and I love you. I appreciate your support and compassion.
Stay safe. :) Merry Christmas and happiness every day. Duck
Andy, here is a link to the CD I told you about a week or so ago. "Chemical Embrace" is a great song. Hope you like this. :)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.myspace.com/eversonband
Andy,
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you are more at peace with yourself. Accepting who we are is such a necessary step in dealing with our sga. Only when we accept ourselves can we progress. I wasted a lot of time and caused myself and other to hurt because I did not understand and accept my nature.
I don't personally know your family, but can't help but think they would still love you for the wonderful soul that you are. I will let you know how it goes when I let my parents know. It will be soon.
If you accomplished nothing else this year, you have made great progress. I hope the coming year will be one of hope, peace and progress toward the Andy you want to be.
Love you Andy,
Bravone
Thanks for sharing a deeply spiritual process. Answers do not come easy. Keep at it. You have a great attitude. Be yourself but keep your options open. Season Greetings to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand your desire to be open with your family. It was so realizing to finally come out to my family. However they still dont understand and when they people are trying to understand it is hard for them to provide much support.
ReplyDeleteWhat kills me is you said "struggle with same gender attraction." To "struggle" against such an integral part of you is a painful thought. Same gender attraction i feel like is a way to take the person out of the sexuality. No longer is it a piece of someone it is just another acronym such as ADHA, HIV, SAD, and all sorts of other ones. It is no longer part of a person but it is some "disease" or "some struggle" that we need to cure, that we need to get rid of. That is my two cents on that.
We all have our own path. I wish you the best of luck finding yours.
I enjoyed reading your post. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDelete@Hidden...thanks for relating man. I hear ya about the family...soon enough.
ReplyDelete@Duck...thank you for your friendship. Thank you for the constant encouragement and support. You are a great friend and much appreciated. Thanks for the link to the CD as well!
@Bravone...thanks for acknowledging the peace I've come to know. It really has made a difference. Thank you also for the faith in me that I can continue progressing towards the person I want to become. I think the hardest part at this point is figuring out who that is so that I have something to work towards. It will come. Thanks man!
@Zing...thanks man for reminding me to be patient! As much as I hate it, I feel that's a reminder I need often. Hope your holidays were great!
@Kurt...thanks for helping to think man. I guess I use "struggle" as a term to describe what my soul is doing. Struggling is the best definition I could come up with regarding the constant battle between my gospel, Christ-centered self, my family pleasing self, my friend pleasing self, my career-minded self, and my carnal self. I don't necessarily struggle with SGA as an idea as that is something I have worked hard over the last year or so to come to terms with and I feel I have. The struggle is more now reconciling my life with itself. Thanks though...I really appreciate your thoughts.
@Some like it hot...ditto man. I love reading your posts as well bro. Thanks for reading!